Disclaimer: The G-boys and Gundam Wing don’t belong to me.
Warnings: Located in the first part. Be sure to look or you might be surprised.
FIGHTING THE DARKNESS – PART 9
Questions he needed answered clamored for attention, somehow overpowering the accusing voices. Questions he couldn’t answer for himself battered at him, relentless but not with the agonizing hatred of the voices slowly trying to drive him deeper into the depths of darkness.
There was still no sense of time in his gloomy prison, but he understood it had only been days since he had been trapped, though the time seemed to pass so slowly. He realized each time the voices lifted for some time, he could hear what was going on in the outside world. Each time the voices became muffled there was the sense of a constant and soothing presence – with him, yet not. It wasn’t like when Trowa was actually in his head, speaking to him while the voices hounding him faded to a whisper, but he could hear that calm voice, reassuring him gently. The touches he felt could have been created by his mind, needing some contact with someone that seemed to care, but that was okay. Any assurance was welcome in this pit of agony and despair – each sensation helping him to hold on and rebel against the damned determined to drive him insane.
Assured no one else would enter the room until after two am, when they came to take Duo’s vitals for the night, Trowa moved around the room, gathering items and absently running a non-stop commentary about the book he was reading to Duo, the quality of cafeteria food, the surprising kindness of the hospital staff, and anything else to keep his mind off what he was about to do.
Letting the basin fill with water, Trowa lowered the end of the bed where Duo’s head rested and removed the pillow, replacing it with one of the three thick towels he had bought. “I honestly have no idea what I’m doing, so if I mess up, you can’t be mad at me later. The only person’s hair I’ve ever washed is my own,” he added, getting the basin and setting it on the table he had moved around the bed, taking a moment to situate it among the various items he had already placed there.
“I’ve never had to use conditioner. My hair is very fine. I remember you once said if you didn’t use conditioner you couldn’t get a brush through your hair, so I bought some. I guess I need to start by brushing it. This might take a while,” he noted as he carefully lifted the other man’s head to pull out the clumps of hair. “It’s really tangled. I wonder what happened to your rubber band? I know you had one when…I saw you in my dream. I mean, I guess you did. Your hair wasn’t hanging all over your shoulders.”
How long it took to get the snarls out of Duo’s hair he didn’t know. Finishing that, he discovered the water was cold and poured it out, refilling it with warm water. Using his hands, he wet Duo’s hair, then lathered it thoroughly, finding it oddly soothing to massage the other man’s scalp with his fingers. Rinsing was a more difficult task, making him wish he could simply carry Duo to the shower in the bathroom. Eventually, he located a cup and used that to pour warm water over the dark hair, holding it so it would drain into the basin, though some liquid dripped onto the floor.
Pleased when all the suds were out, he repeated the undertaking with conditioner, reading the directions before starting. “I’m supposed to leave this on for a few minutes, so I guess I’ll just talk.” Realizing he had been talking the entire time, he chuckled, blinking at the strange sound when it came out of his mouth. “I mean I’ll talk some more. Do you know I haven’t talked this much in a long time? When I was young I learned the hard way to keep my thoughts to myself. It’s a lesson I never forgot. Somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling very much too. I have emotions, but they aren’t usually strong. When you wake up maybe you can explain why I don’t feel strongly about things. It never really bothered me before, honestly. It could have happened so gradually I didn’t notice until it was too late.”
Seeing that four minutes had passed, he began the painstaking process of rinsing Duo’s hair again. “I hope you’ll tell me why you cut your hair. It’s not short now. It’s shorter than it was before, but it’s still beautiful.” His eyes widened at his own comment. Assuming no one could hear him, he gave a shrug. “It really is beautiful. I’d like to see it down one day, when you’re awake.”
Using the towel to remove the majority of the moisture, he fell silent for a few minutes, rearranging his thoughts so they didn’t seem so disjointed. The handle of a new brush in his hand, he gave a long sigh. “I don’t understand why I’m so careful about what I say. Maybe I feel like I can talk to you because you won’t judge me, or hold things against me. I know you can hear at least part of what I say,” he frowned, pulling the brush through Duo’s hair. “I’d ask you at night but time is a factor. We don’t have much time for me to learn what I need to know.”
Trowa froze, the brush mid-way down the length of hair as he realized he was not only willing to jump into Duo’s mind, but was actually looking forward to speaking to the other man and receiving a reply. “Good God, maybe I am crazy. It’s like I’m starting to think of this as some sort of fucked-up relationship. Don’t worry. I know I’m here to help you get better and that’s it. I’d like to be able to see you occasionally once you’re well, though. I enjoy having someone to talk to. It might be nice to have you talk to me, too.”
Forcing his hand to move, he swallowed hard, wondering what in the hell was wrong with him. Keeping his tone light was an effort, but he managed. “I can’t promise how good this braid will look when I’m finished, but I’ll do my best.”
It took a while to complete a task he assumed Duo would have no problems with, but he eventually wrapped a new hair band around the end and inspected his work with a critical eye. “Not too bad for my first try,” he commented, hoping the other man would agree.
After cleaning up the things he had already used, Trowa stood beside the bed and took Duo’s hand. “This is going to be really weird, considering the things I said a little while ago, but I’m going to wash you off, Duo. I thought you would prefer me do this than a stranger, but you can be mad later if you want. There is nothing sexual involved with this, I swear.”
Letting Duo’s hand rest on the sheets, he carefully untied the hospital gown and pooled it around the lean waist, inhaling sharply when he saw how prominent Duo’s ribs and collarbone were. Glad for something to focus on, he ran the moist sponge over the frail arms and neck. “How did you get so skinny, Duo? You’re practically skin and bones. You haven’t been eating, have you? It’s going to take some time to get your strength back – your physical strength, that is. You don’t need to worry about anything else. You were always stronger than me.”
He rambled to keep his mind on what he was doing, though he did once have an abrupt and frightening thought he barely kept from speaking aloud. Even with the apparent malnutrition, Duo was still beautiful. The notion was banished as he gave his attention to scars that seemed more recent. Toweling the man’s chest, Trowa paused long enough to run his fingers over the pink marks of raised flesh. “This is from what they did,” he muttered, more determined than ever to see that the men that had harmed Duo would pay.
Duo tensed at his words, “I’ll find out who they are, Duo. I’m already working on a list of names, but it would really help if I knew what they looked like, or how many of them there were.”
Turning to more cheerful matters, Trowa began to relate stories the staff had told him, tossing in a few jokes occasionally. The bathing of Duo’s lower half was done hastily, his words tripping over themselves in his rush to hurry. Tossing the gown onto the floor, he put a clean one, not sure how his face could be so red without him passing out.
Yanking the blankets up to make sure long legs were concealed, he replaced the pillow under Duo’s head, then spent several minutes cleaning the room, hoping his heart rate would eventually return to normal. Abruptly realizing how exhausted he was, he gave the cot a sneer. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he stared down at the sleeping man. “You have no idea how uninviting that cot looks right now. If you had more room I could just sleep with you.” Comprehending how that sounded, he corrected himself, “I didn’t mean sleep with you that way. Not like lovers.” Amazed he was blushing again, he shook his head.
For once hoping Duo couldn’t hear him babble, he tried another explanation, “I think we have to be touching to talk to one another. I wasn’t able to hear you until I went to sleep holding your hand. I’ll try my best to keep your hand in mine while I sleep, but I want you to know I haven’t left if you can’t hear me. I’m going to take a shower, and then I’ll try to come into your dream.”
He showered quickly, fatigue nipping at his heels the entire time. Dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants he pushed open the bathroom door and gaped. He was certain Duo had been in the center of the bed when he had gone to take a shower, with room on either side of his body.
But, if that was true, how had the unconscious man moved across the bed to become pressed to the metal railing on one side, leaving enough room for Trowa to lie down beside him?”
The instant the cacophony of voices fell to a whisper, his head shot up, eyes opening though he knew there was nothing to see. Almost afraid to hope, he spoke softly into the blackness. “Trowa?”
Feeling someone squeeze his hand, he flexed his own to discover nothing. “I’m here, Duo. I don’t know how long we have before I wake up.”
Hearing the warning, he knew he needed to hurry and ask his questions, starting with the most important. “Did I really hear Howard?”
It was strange how he could hear the smile in Trowa’s voice when he had never seen the tall man smile before. “Howard is alive and well, and on his way from L4 to see you. He knew something was wrong when I called.”
“I thought he was dead. I was supposed to go with him, but Hilde didn’t want me to go. I heard about the accident and believed the worst.”
“Hilde didn’t pass his messages to you, Duo. He’s been trying to get in touch with you. He’ll be here in a few days.”
Miraculously, the din of voices grew just a little quieter. Not trusting his own ears, he asked, “Do you hear?”
“It’s quieter now.”
“You hear them?”
Warmth surrounded him, protecting him from the cold of the void. “I hear them. Duo, I need to ask you about…the assault.”
The need to avoid the query was great, but there was nowhere to go. “I don’t want to talk about it,” he insisted as memories filled his mind.
“You don’t have to,” Trowa’s voice was a low growl, filled with anger.
“I’m sorry. I’ll tell you. Please don’t leave me alone,” the plea was instant, fearing being abandoned by the one kind voice he had. “Don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad at you my…friend. You don’t have to tell me because I can see it, I can see their faces. It’s all I needed.”
The concept was strange and frightening. “I’m trapped in my own head,” he stated dully, depressed he would do this to himself. Did he think he deserved this torment?
“You are, but not alone. Not anymore. I’ll help you fight the darkness.”
Slowly the voices began to rise in volume, proving his respite was almost at an end. “You saw Hilde?”
“I did. I don’t like her very much, Duo.”
His soft laugh sounded oddly empty in his prison. “I heard you earlier. She didn’t use to be that way.”
“She knew you were going to be hurt and did nothing to stop it. She knew Howard was safe but didn’t tell you. She was never good enough for you.”
Wondering at the other man’s tone, he focused on what he had to ask, “Where are the guys? They’re all…okay?”
“Angry with me, but otherwise fine. They won’t bother you until you’re ready to see them. I’ll make sure they won’t hurt you again.” The heat along his side shifted for a moment before settling back, making him sigh. “They’re worried about you and sorry they didn’t do anything before. They have a while before I’m ready to accept any apologies for what they did.”
Worry helped him ignore the voices. “I don’t want you to hurt your friendship with them because of me, Trowa. I don’t want you hurt because of me.”
Trowa’s tone was oddly introspective, “I’m not that close…to them. I never have been.”
“You’re afraid to let anyone in, aren’t you? Maybe that’s best. If you don’t let anyone get close they can’t hurt you.”
Accusations and insults surrounded him again, but not before he heard Trowa’s last words. “Apparently I’m not afraid to let at least one person close. I hope you won’t hurt me, Duo.”
The sound around him was softer, yet no less harsh. Closing his eyes he sighed as the warmth faded, his resolve to fight firming in his mind. Trowa believed in him to be strong enough to defeat the devils in his own heart and mind.
He wouldn’t let his…friend…down.