Warnings and disclaimers in first section.
Since Jezz’s departure, Trowa had been unnaturally quiet. Before that trip, I would have thought that silence was normal, but he talked almost as much as I did. There was a tension in the air as he moved toward the balcony, carrying a small broom and dustpan he unearthed from somewhere.
I waited until he cleaned up the broken glass, dumping it into a trash can in the kitchen, before daring to breach that silence. “Allbright can’t be behind Quatre’s kidnapping, but obviously he’s involved in this somehow.”
The lack of response was more than a little concerning. Sitting on the couch, I wished for another glass of wine. Clearly, nothing else was going to happen between me and Trowa tonight, but it would have helped calm my nerves. I’ve become used to being on the edge of death, but having the life of a close…friend was not something I intended to get used to. “We’ll figure this out, Tro. Quatre being held on the Shoe might make things easier. Then again, it presents a whole new set of problems, but we’ll get him back.”
Still no answer; this was not good. Unfortunately, a knock on the door kept me from saying anything else. Jerking the door open, I found Esteban staring at me, his eyes shadowed and his hands full. For once, I was willing to wait to hear what he had to say.
“I am sorry for Dr. Talbot’s actions, Maxwell. I may not like you on a personal level, but that does not mean I would want you to suffer the way he wanted.”
A growl coming from the direction of the kitchen, low and threatening, had me wincing. Apparently, that was a reminder Trowa could have lived without. Poor guy, he was already worried about Quatre enough; he didn’t need this added stress. Esteban glanced over and paled before his eyes darted back to me, an indication that Trowa’s expression was far from friendly. “Why are you here, Esteban? It’s been a long week and this day hasn’t been as relaxing as I had hoped.”
“It hasn’t been a good day for any of us. Dr. Talbot has been a respected citizen of Koleniko for many years, as long as I can remember. His…betrayal will cause a large amount of unrest among those that looked at him with respect.”
Damn it, I might not have liked Esteban, but it was easy to see how strongly he felt about this. I could understand, kind of, how he felt. I didn’t have a community or a home, other than the Hellion, but if I had, I would have wanted to protect those within it. “If there’s something you need in the future, get a message to me and I’ll see what I can do. Do you have another doctor here, someone you can trust?”
“No. It was considered a blessing when Talbot decided to settle here.”
Apparently, Talbot didn’t consider it a blessing at all, but I was tactful enough not to mention it. “I know of a few that might be willing to relocate to a new satellite if given a good reason. Most are fugitives because of things that happened before or during the war that made them enemies of the current government. I trust them.” That said a lot and Esteban must have realize that it wasn’t easy or a simple matter for me to trust, nodding slowly.
Shifting the box in his arms, he gestured with his head at the table and set it down when I let him pass. “Jezz sends you these, with her apologies. There are several tubes of syn-skin, another bottle of wine from her personal stock, and some items she thought you might find useful. All of your supplies have been paid for and will be waiting on you when you return to your ship. As a way to offer my own…gratefulness…I have added something you might also find useful.”
“What would that be?”
“I have family that lives on the Shoe, Maxwell, pirates and informants that could be valuable to you. They know the criminals there that dabble in more than the usual variety and may be able to tell you information to point you in the right direction. The names and addresses of those family members that would be willing to help you are in the box, along with a note from me, ensuring that I consider you trustworthy.”
Well, shit. Outsiders might not realize what a huge gesture that was, but I did. For Esteban to vouch for me means he was also trusting me not to pull his family into anything that would get them hurt or in trouble. “I won’t involve them unless it becomes necessary, you have my word.”
“Very well; I wish you luck, Maxwell. Even with the connections you have and the aid of my family, it’s unlikely you’ll survive this trip to the Shoe. Someone wants you out of the way, badly.”
His words could have been a threat or some kind of mockery, but they were delivered with a sincerity I couldn’t doubt. To repay a kindness, I kept my voice low as I walk him to the door, “What I said before, about you and Jezz…”
“Forget it. I’ll act as though you never mentioned it,” he winced, his face turning pink.
“Don’t forget it. She trusts you. Jezz doesn’t trust many. Use that to your advantage.”
“What do you suggest I do?” he asked with a frown. “Admit my feelings to her without knowing if she feels anything in return? That is foolish and possible hurtful.”
Jezz’s words reverberated in my mind. “It would be better to take a chance, Esteban. Being stoically alone is a lot worse than possibly being happy, isn’t it?”
“I have never known you to be an optimist, Maxwell,” he smirked as he leaned a shoulder on the door frame. His smirk faded as he looked past me, to where I assumed Trowa was still in the kitchen. “Is that what you’ve done? Have you taken a chance?” he asked me in a voice so low that it wouldn’t carry to my partner.
“In a way, I suppose I have. There’s one difference between my situation and yours.”
“What would that be?”
“My situation doesn’t have the possibility of a happy ending.”
Brown eyes fixed on me again, revealing his surprise that I had said something so dire. “I hope, for your sake, you are wrong. I’ll come tomorrow to escort you to your ship,” he continued in a normal tone, snide with a hint of mockery. “If you feel the desire to leave before my arrival, call me. If I’m unable to be your escort, I will send someone I trust.”
Like the doctor? Yeesh. “Why the added precaution?”
“Word has already begun to spread about the doctor’s death. A face as notorious as yours will attract unwanted attention. Jezz has already ordered the closing of our port to outsiders for the time being.”
I leaned against the door after he left, staring at the box, but not really looking at it. For Jezz to close the ports to outsiders, things had to be on the brink of civil riots. She would only take this action if she really believed the violence was going to spread to the occasional visitors that stopped there for fun and recreation. “I’ll have to find a way to help out once this thing with Quatre is over. It’s my fault. If I hadn’t come here in the first place Talbot wouldn’t have had the opportunity to do something stupid. I can’t help but feel responsible for this shit-storm.”
Trowa was still silent and it was starting to unnerve the hell out of me. I expected some kind of reaction, but there had been nothing. Unable to put if off any longer, I looked at him, breath getting caught in my throat when I saw he was staring at the syringe Jezz left on the counter, eyes dark and mouth drawn into a taut line.
I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. Warily, I retrieved the half-empty bottle of wine and walked into the kitchen, moving past him to get a glass and sneaking a peek at the syringe he had just picked up. Is it good or bad that he was holding the Narco syringe, his knuckles white as he gripped it? I seriously doubted it was good.
Handling an upset former mercenary and Gundam pilot was no easy feat, but I had managed to hold my own during the last two weeks, for the most part. I had a horrible feeling I was extremely unprepared to deal with this, though. It was going to be like petting a bad tempered lion with a thorn stuck in his ass.
Filling my glass, I set the bottle down with a thunk, starting as I found those green eyes on me. “Tro, man, are you alright? You seem a bit…stressed.” Dear god, that was an understatement, but I didn’t know what was going on in his head.
“He almost used this on you.” The syringe was set down with meticulous care, like it was a cobra ready to strike.
“Yeah, but he didn’t use it on me because you stopped him.”
“What if I hadn’t stopped him? There wasn’t anything in his demeanor originally that posed a threat.” Trowa’s eyes were distant, likely trying to recall everything that had happened in those few minutes. “What if I had ignored the warning in my gut?”
“I’d be dead.” He flinched, but it was the truth. “Hopefully, you would have cut him down to size before he was able to inject you with that tranq. I’m glad it didn’t get that far.”
“You aren’t upset you were almost killed?” He was frowning, but I didn’t know why.
Hopping up onto the counter beside him, I took a sip of wine before taking the syringe and dropping it back into the doctor’s bag. “I’m a smuggler, Tro. There’s always someone that wants to kill me; it’s a part of my life and has been for a long time. There are some that would kill me for what I did during the war, some that would gladly kill me for things I did before the war, and plenty that would enjoy killing me for what I’ve done since the war. I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, and contacts, but I have more enemies. If you hadn’t been here, I would have died. Lucky for me, you were.”
“What happens next time, when I’m not around?”
“Either I realize the threat on my own or I die. That’s the way things are. It’s how they’ve always been for me. You can’t always be around to watch my ass; you have a life to go back to.” It was important to keep reminding him of that, because he was letting himself forget it. As much as I would have liked to do the same, I couldn’t. Doing that would invite worse pain than I was going to experience already. “I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time. I’ll continue taking care of myself until I make a fatal mistake. Hopefully, I would have been more diligent if I had been alone. It’s done, Trowa, there’s no reason to consider what could have happened. We should talk about Quatre and our options now.”
“There will be time enough to talk about that tomorrow. I need to know what you said to Jezz.”
Yikes, his mind was too damn quick. “You heard everything we said, Tro. I didn’t say anything else to her.”
“You said more than was spoken. I want to know what wasn’t said.”
“So you’re psychic now? You can read minds?” I smirked, trying to embarrass him into letting this go.
“I can read you, Duo. There was something in your eyes, something I need to know. What you were saying took on more importance.” He moved to stand between my legs, hands framing my face with a gentleness that should have surprised me but didn’t anymore. “I need to know what you didn’t say, Duo…please.”
How in the hell was I supposed to fight against that? “You already know what I was saying, Trowa. Don’t make me put it into words.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t.” I couldn’t say it aloud; doing so would make it too real. I had admitted to myself and Jezz how I felt, how deep those feelings ran, but to say them to Trowa and then lose him was an unbearable thought. If I didn’t say it, it wasn’t real. It’s a fucked-up way of thinking, but it’s always worked for me.
“Because you won’t,” he corrected me sadly, revealing that he understood. “I can’t blame you. We only have a short time together, a few more weeks if we’re lucky.”
I didn’t want to tell him it wasn’t going to take weeks. As soon as we reached the Shoe, things were going to pick up to a pace that was going to be almost relentless. In Witches Shoe, everything seems to run at a speed faster than the outside world. The residents there lived by the motto ‘live fast and die young’ although some did manage to beat the odds and live until their elder years, but the average life expectancy of someone that lives on the Shoe is between thirty and thirty-five and they make the most of their breathable years.
Once we arrived and started asking questions, there wouldn’t be a spare second to think about worries or regrets other than the ones right in front of us. The added level of danger caused by whoever was holding Quatre was going to make things that much harder; someone didn’t want him found and was willing to use desperate measures to keep me away. It’s possible that we would be hunted while we were hunting. It would be a delicate game of cat and mouse that could have deadly consequences either for me and Trowa or our opponents.
Suddenly, it felt like there was never going to be enough time. Knowing that we were going to be on the run as soon as our feet hit the Shoe didn’t stop me from wishing it could be different. I wished Trowa and I had more time to explore the strange bond between us, but it wasn’t meant to be. Quatre was depending on us, just like Heero, Une, and half the world without realizing it. Trowa had his life on Earth, one a smuggler couldn’t fit into, and I had a life where there was no room for the strict rules a Preventer agent lives by. We were thrown together because of an odd set of circumstances putting a shared friend in danger. Those same circumstances were going to keep us apart.
“We need to talk about Allbright.” I had to stop thinking and wishing. In my experience, wishes were as useless as a tuxedo on a bullfrog. “Heero needs to be told about his involvement in this. He might be able to get more information.”
“Heero was going to be keeping a close eye on Allbright. I doubt the captain has made a miraculous escape from under Heero’s nose.”
“That may be true, but he needs to know about this.”
“There’s no way to contact him until we get back to the Hellion, Duo. It’s not that difficult to decide what to say, either. We tell him what we know and hope there’s someone nearby that can do damage control. It’s the best we can offer him for now.”
“We should talk about what’s going to happen once we reach the Shoe.”
He was smiling at me, showing me the infinite patience he had with me at that moment. He knew what I was doing; stalling to keep us from becoming more entangled. He knew, as I did, that it was only a short delay. The kiss he gave me proved that, my entire being sighing as I leaned into the caressing touch of his lips.
Pulling back, he was still smiling, but in a different way, an expression of a man that was saddened yet accepting the hand that fate had dealt him. “Let me have what I can of you, Duo, for as long as I can. There’s nothing else we can do regarding Quatre until we leave here. Let me have what I can.”
He already had everything, but he didn’t need to know how important he had become in such a short time; that would only make everything harder later when it was time to walk away from each other. This time, I initiated the kiss, giving him my answer without words.
I held on as he picked me up, not really surprised by the move to the bedroom. As much as I had wanted to act like this was no different than other times I’ve had sex, it wasn’t the same. This wasn’t only the sating of desires and lust, there were actually feelings involved. For that reason alone, I had no damn clue what to do as he set me on the bed. “Trowa…” I guess my uncertainty was obvious because he smiled, but there wasn’t a hint of condescension. If there was, I’d have punched him in the damn mouth.
“Relax. There’s only me and you here.”
That’s what scared me, damn it. “I don’t know what to do. It’s been a long time since it wasn’t…” I probably shouldn’t bring up past lovers, but I was as nervous as a virgin bride on her wedding night. Bad analogy, it hit too close to home, not that I was a virgin by any means.
“It’s been a long time since it meant something. I know,” he assured me quietly as he pulled my shirt over my hands. His eyes narrowed when I winced, cloth rubbing over my raw skin. “Maybe we should take care of your hands first.”
“They can wait.” It was stupid, but I was scared to death that if we got sidetracked for even an instant we’d be interrupted…again. You can’t blame me for thinking that. First it was the presence of PSP ships, the interfering bastards, and then the arrival of a doctor that had made a deal with those interfering bastards and tried to kill me. With my nefarious luck, the next thing that would happen would be the entire PSP force busting into the room.
“We’ll take care of them later, as long as you’re careful. I don’t want you hurt any more than you already are.”
“I’ll see what I can do.”
The remark was teasing, an attempt to keep me from feeling so unsettled and self-conscious as he pushed me back on the bed so he could unfasten my pants, the feel of his mouth on my chest a sensation strong enough to have my hands clenching the rough blankets under me. His lips were next to my ear, hot breath making me shiver as he whispered, “Let me show you what the difference is between having sex and making love, Duo. Let me show you how much better it is.”
Why did he have to use that word, the one I had been dodging with all my might? I didn’t want the L word spoken between us and he was very aware of it. His sudden stillness told me he had realized what he had said, but it was too late for it to be taken back. It was there, in the open, and it was my choice whether to push him away or accept it. Like there was actually a choice to make.
Turning my head slightly had our eyes meeting, “Show me, Trowa.”
His gust of breath revealed his surprise. He hadn’t expected me to give in. Hopefully, he knew that was the only capitulation I could give him, the only time I’d give in to what I feel in words. He didn’t give a response, but he didn’t need to as he moved away, pulling my jeans off before running his hands up my thighs to the underwear I had started to wear in concession to having someone on board the Hellion. They quickly followed the direction my pants took, whisked away to leave me exposed to his appraising eyes.
It must have taken him a moment to realize I felt uncomfortable because he stepped back enough to allow me to sit up, watching me as I reached for him, unbuttoning his pants while he tugged the shirt over his head. Apparently, I was the only one that began wearing underwear; he wasn’t wearing any, allowing me to find bare flesh under his pants. Flesh wasn’t the only thing I discovered and I was right; he was huge and freakin’ perfect.
I wanted him inside me, no doubt about that, but I wanted to taste him, too. I skimmed my hands up his thighs as I leaned forward to take that proudly jutting erection into my mouth, twisting my tongue around it before doing my best to swallow him. I assumed the harsh curse was one of pleasure considering the way his hands were in my hair, tugging lightly as his fingers flexed. Yeah, he tasted good and felt good and the sounds he was making were enough to drive me insane.
“Duo, enough, you have to stop.” To make certain I was listening, he pulled away from me. I followed him as far as I could, but eventually he moved too far away. “I want to be inside you…but not yet.”
“Damn it.”
He was laughing, but I didn’t think it was at me. I think it was because of the situation, the need we both felt. I hoped that was the reason because I was so wound up I was ready to explode and not in a good way. “There’s no rush, not tonight.”
True to his word, he took his time, hands skimming across my skin, followed by his mouth, turning me into a shivering, trembling mass of uncontrollable desire. I had never been so close to orgasm from the seemingly simple touch of hands and mouth, but Trowa was able to do that. He found every sensitive part of my body, giving no mercy as he teased me into submission. I wanted to tell him to stop making me feel that way, but damn it…I couldn’t. Yesterday was a distant memory and tomorrow a distant concern as he braced himself over me, stroking my chest lightly before his hand dropped lower, circling my erection and drawing a near scream from me.
He was there instantly, mouth coming over mine and drinking in my cries. His hand stayed busy, but his other one was, too, prompting me to lift my legs for the fingers he managed to oil, but I didn’t know when. At that point, I could barely remember my own name, so it wasn’t really a surprise.
I had never felt anything as good as that one digit sliding into me, Trowa swallowing my gasp as soon as it formed. No one had ever given me so much attention, so much care as they prepared me. There was almost no pain as I was stretched carefully. Damn the man, he had ruined me for anyone else.
“Duo, I need you,” he whispered as he broke the kiss, his eyes intense as they focused on mine.
At that point, there was only one thing to say, “What are you waiting for?”
Dear god, he felt even bigger as he began to push into me slowly. I must have winced or something because he pulled out, pushing back in, the progression easier and less painful that time and ohmygod I was in the best level of heaven I could ever hope to be in.
He was hot and heavy and large inside me and when he started moving it got even better. All I could do was hold on to him and hope I didn’t die from the pleasure that was coursing through me. He felt so good.
“Duo…so good.” That must have meant he felt the same way.
I should have said something, expressed what I was feeling, but thought was chaotic and I couldn’t have formed words if my life had depended on it. Pressure coiled tighter and tighter as he gripped me to him, my legs wrapped around him, his mouth feasting on whatever parts of me he could reach. When he found my erection and stroked me, I was pretty damn certain I was going to die. Nothing that felt that good could come without a price.
Trowa’s breath was hot on my skin, sweat dripping off him and onto me. I was doing what I could to fight that ever-coiling inside me…I wanted it to last as long as possible, but I didn’t know if he was shaking or if I was, both of us slick with sweat and sliding against each other. I couldn’t fight it anymore…it was too good!
My shout was vocal this time, loud and echoing off the walls as I finally reached completion. He followed me almost instantly and I could feel his semen fill me. Shuddering, sweating, and heaving breaths in hopes of pulling air into my lungs, my legs slid to the rough surface of the bed. I had never felt so…spent, and for someone that spends the majority of their life running from something, that was saying a lot.
Trowa started to move, probably to roll beside me or something, but I didn’t care. I wanted him right where he was. “Stay.”
“I’m not going anywhere, but I’m probably crushing you.”
Before I could argue or complain, he rolled, taking me right along with him until he was on his back and I was lying across his chest. “That’ll work, I guess. Do I need to move?”
“You’re perfect where you are. We should get some sleep while we can. Things are going to get hectic once we reach the Shoe, aren’t they?”
Maybe he realized more than I had thought. “Yeah, real hectic. It’s been a while since I’ve been hunted and been on the hunt all at once. As soon as we get there…”
“I know, Duo. Once we get there, this won’t happen again.” Trowa’s voice was a low grumble in my ear, his hand smoothing its way down and up my back before moving over my braid. “We’ll still have a bit more time together, at least.”
But we wouldn’t and I didn’t know how to tell him that. He expected the investigation on the Shoe to take weeks, probably because he was used to the undercover work on the normal world. Should I tell him that it would take longer to navigate the streets and find Quatre’s location than it would to rescue Quatre? It isn’t something I assumed might happen, I knew it would. I had been in a situation like that once before, not on the Shoe, but right here on Koleniko, so I knew what to expect.
I had to tell him. Trowa needed to know that it would take a few days, a week at most, to find Quatre, with another day or so to free him. “Trowa…”
Dead silence. His breathing had evened out, his hand on my back had stilled. The idiot had gone to sleep on me. Lifting my head to look at his sleeping face, I felt my heart shudder, something that no longer surprised me. Somehow, this quiet man with his calm demeanor and piercing eyes had worked past all of the defenses I built up over the years, crushing each to dust with his demands for answers and soft determination.
Hopefully, he would remember me when he looked back at the time we shared. He might even be able to get a laugh out of recalling the brushes with death and constantly interrupted moments of lust. I hoped that’s what he would do.
Me? I wanted to say I’d look back, but I knew I was going to do my best not to. I was going to stuff Trowa in a corner of my mind where I put things too painful to think of. Like the others that reside there, he would be a ghost to me, one that haunted me for the rest of my life.
It sounded like a cold thing to do, hell, it was a cold thing to plan to do, but that was how it had to be. If I kept him in my mind, where there were constant worries pulling at my attention, memories of him and what we had for a fleeting time would drag me down into a depression so dark that I’d look for ways to numb the pain of that loss. In my profession, seds are too easy to come by for a depressed addict, for that is exactly what I am. It would also be too easy to find a way to end my miserable existence. Accidents in space happen all the time, after all.
Who would really notice if one smuggler out of hundreds went missing?
No one would. No one at all.