Disclaimers and warnings in first part.
As Trowa cooked dinner with Duo’s help he didn’t ask the questions he wanted to ask. He wanted to know how Duo was feeling and how the conversation with Wufei had gone, but most importantly he wanted to know if he had missed his chance, yet again.
Assuming the other man had enough stress, he managed to keep the conversation light during dinner. He was washing dishes when his companion gave a heavy sigh that had nothing to do with the plate Duo was holding. “Want to talk about it?”
“Wufei’s not happy with me. He wants me to move back in with him.”
“What do you want, Duo? Will moving back in with him make you happy?” This was Trowa’s main concern. Duo’s happiness had to come before anything else, even his own feelings. That was the way it had always been.
There was a long silence as they finished the dishes, but Trowa didn’t push. He knew Duo was carefully weighing his feelings about everything that had happened, eventually shaking his head quickly, “I don’t think it would. Before all of this I could have fooled myself into believing I could be happy with him, but after getting away and looking at things from another angle I think I’d go crazy. Wufei feels…comfortable. It sucks to realize I don’t want to feel comfortable anymore. I don’t want to have the same conversations and do the same things and go to bed at the same time every night. If I do those things I want…hell, Trowa. I don’t know what I want.”
“You want that spark you felt before. If you had that with someone those boring things wouldn’t seem so boring anymore.”
“You’re right, as usual.” Duo smiled slightly, clearly thinking of something else. After a moment he lifted his shoulders in an over-exaggerated shrug, “I’m looking for too much from Wufei. Maybe I should be happy with what he can give me. Who actually gets a lover that makes them feel excited all the time? What’s the likelihood of being with someone that makes me feel fulfilled?”
Hoping to make the smaller man feel better, Trowa dried his hands and stood behind his friend to rub the tense shoulders. “Don’t give up. You shouldn’t settle for something that isn’t going to make you really happy. Why didn’t you talk to that guy you were telling me about before?”
“We were both drunk, Trowa. He never mentioned it and probably doesn’t even remember it.” It was the perfect opportunity to tell Duo that he could remember every touch and sensation of that night, but the chance was lost when the other man gave a short laugh, “It doesn’t matter. I learned a long time ago not to live on dreams. That guy can stay in my fantasies and Wufei will be my reality. I guess that’s the way things have to be.”
Knowing he wouldn’t be able to sleep, Trowa waited until after Duo retired for the night before climbing the stairs back into the attic, seating himself down at the table and turning on the light again as he carefully set a bottle of vodka down at his elbow. It didn’t take long to realize he was having a hard time concentrating on the cracked cup he was trying to glue the handle back on, his thoughts constantly returning to that final night on Howard’s ship.
Again and again he thought of the wistful smile on Duo’s lips during the recollection of that long-ago experience. He didn’t have to wonder why his stomach twisted every time he thought of that night, recalling the celebration after the war was finally over. He didn’t have to try hard to bring that last night back to mind, having done so numerous times in the past.
Sitting back in his chair he drank methodically from the bottle, not bothering with a glass as he delved into his memories. He could remember how Wufei had eventually passed out face-down on a table, his normally bound hair scattered around him. Trowa couldn’t remember who had tricked Quatre into drinking long-island iced teas, but the blonde had consumed several and had practically melted into his chair, blue eyes unfocused yet scanning the room slowly as the party finally began to wind down.
Heero had announced his intention of going to bed, still hurt from the stunt that had saved the earth and should have killed the messy-haired teen that somehow managed to stagger his way from the room. Quatre had called attention to how Duo had gone missing shortly after Heero had stumbled his way out and had asked Trowa to check on the braided pilot after several slurred attempts.
Trowa’s hands stilled on the bottle, seeing into the past rather than what he held. In his mind he recalled how he had felt as he had carefully made his way from the galley to the cabins, holding himself up when the floor lurched under his feet, the rhythmic sway of the ship made worse by his own weaving. Eyes unfocused, he remembered the search for Duo…
Wondering how he could have been foolish to drink so much, Trowa had to stop several times and lean against the wall for support, clenching his eyes shut in order to make them focus. The war he had trained his entire life for was over and he felt lost and confused.
Ten years had been spent in preparation for this, the combined efforts of the Gundams finally bringing peace to a universe torn apart by constant wars. This had been the goal he had been fighting to achieve and now his job was done. Ten years of training and fighting and he had never once considered what would happen once the fighting was over.
Nine years out of the last ten he had chosen to be a loner, having decided early in life he could count on no one but himself. During the last year, however, he had found four others he had been able to count on and trust. The end of the battles also meant an end of the team he had somehow become a part of and Trowa felt alone. Worse, for the first time in his life, he felt lonely.
These thoughts were in the back of his mind as he searched the hallways for Duo, the long-haired teen that had managed to sneak out of the on-going party. Trowa began to think more about the smiling American that seemed to stand out in a crowd even when he kept to himself. The tall teen had been curious about the pilot of Deathscythe, but their times together had been limited and usually fraught with tension.
He didn’t question his curiosity concerning the braided teen; it was normal to want to know more about the people you worked closely with and Duo was more close-lipped than it seemed, talking constantly yet saying nothing of importance. So what if Trowa had noticed how attractive Duo was before or how unconsciously sensual the teen with long hair was? So what if he had wished he could learn more about the American or had imagined how it would feel to bury his hands in the long hair when it was unbound? So what if he had briefly entertained the idea of getting to know Duo better? It wasn’t meant to be. The war was over and they would all go their separate ways, likely never to see each other again.
These were the thoughts on Trowa’s drunken brain as he searched the halls on the way to Duo’s assigned cabin. When he turned a corner and discovered the object of all his imaginings leaning on the still closed door of his room, thought was no longer possible. In an instant, all of Trowa’s half-formed fantasies filled his mind and he moved forward, hoping to have a private conversation with Duo in order to answer some of his many questions.
Innocent intentions were forgotten when Duo turned toward him, wide cobalt eyes boring into Trowa as he moved closer. Taking in the flushed face and realizing he may never see Duo again had him doing something he never would have considered before, hoping for something to fill the lonely ache in his heart for just a little while.
He kissed Duo.
Trowa meant for it to be a fleeting touch, but as soon as he had felt soft lips against his he was unable to stop, needing more of a memory to take with him, aware he would never have a chance to touch the braided teen again. He kept his mouth on the small teen’s intending to keep the kiss light, but forgetting that fact when Duo’s lips opened in invitation.
He had delved inside, surrendering to the desire coursing through him. The way Duo’s body heat washed over him had him tugging the other teen closer, massaging every contour of Duo’s mouth with his tongue, desperate to memorize every texture and flavor he could find. Reason tried to intrude until he felt hands under his shirt, branding his skin.
Pulling his mouth away he paused for only a moment before finding the soft skin of Duo’s neck while yanking the other teen’s shirt up as far as possible without losing contact. Not even the alcohol running through him made it hard to recognize the silent submission when Duo’s head fell back and he did the only thing he could at the time, fusing their mouths together and taking all he could.
“The door, Duo. Open the damn door,” he pled with his lips against Duo’s.
“Good idea,” Duo breathed as he fumbled for the latch behind his back.
Everything came to an abrupt halt when Trowa was jerked away, pushed several feet as Duo was drug away by the arm so fast he had trouble keeping up, feet tripping over each other as Howard pulled him down the hall, lecturing the whole way. “What the hell you think you’re doin’, boy?”
Trowa didn’t get to hear the answer, left alone with desire surging through him, stamping down the need to follow the long-haired pilot, aware Howard would not appreciate the act. Drunk more on Duo than the liquor he had consumed, he had staggered his way back to the galley to report Duo was being taken care of, although he desperately wanted to be the one taking care of him in the privacy of Duo’s room.
Shaking hands set the vodka down only to pick it back up again and drink deeply in order to calm his quaking insides. It had been a long time since he had allowed himself to recall all that had happened that night in such detail, still able to remember how Duo had felt pulled against him. He had been so close to claiming the long-haired pilot and couldn’t stop wondering how things could have been different if they had continued what they had been doing.
Would the relationship between him and Duo be different now if Duo had gotten the door open? Would the braided teen have hated him the next day for taking advantage of his inebriated state or would he have been happy to wake with Trowa in bed beside him? It was these questions that had kept him quiet over the years, unsure he wanted to know the answers. In any case, Duo had been with Wufei, sort of.
In the kitchen he found a fresh bottle of vodka, something he wouldn’t have done under normal circumstances, but he needed the calming properties the alcohol offered. He had always remembered that sudden and all-consuming kiss, but had decided to look at it as a dream, something that would never happen again.
Duo had described the feelings as a spark and the description had Trowa snorting as he set the bottle on the table with a thunk. He hadn’t felt a mere spark; it had felt like he was being consumed by fire from the inside out as he had fed off the small teen. The heat between them had been so hot he was surprised they hadn’t burst into flames from the force of the desire. If things were simple he would go into the room where Duo slumbered and kiss him again to see if the experience had been over-exaggerated in his mind over the years.
Of course, nothing about this was simple.
Slumping in the kitchen chair, he wondered about his motives for spending time with Duo after the braided man had reappeared in his life, announcing his intentions of going to school for an advanced degree in physics. The night of the kiss had always been in the back of his mind, though it had been possible to forget for a while as he simply enjoyed being with the long-haired man.
It had actually been a long time since he had given that mind-blazingly hot kiss any thought after discovering he and Duo shared a lot of the same interests, nor had he thought about it when they had begun spending more time together. He had almost dismissed it completely by the time Duo informed him of Wufei’s invitation to share the dark-eyed man’s apartment, yet he hadn’t liked the idea without realizing why for a while. It had been one night after Duo had moved in with Wufei that he had dreamed of the kiss, realizing the next day that he hadn’t forgotten about the night, after all.
Was he really against the idea of Wufei and Duo together because he didn’t think Wufei could make the braided man happy or was he just jealous that he had been too scared to make a move of his own? Then again, Duo hadn’t been happy with Wufei, had he?
“This is pointless,” he mumbled as he eyed the dwindling level of alcohol in the bottle. Shaking his head he rose and put the bottle in the freezer before he was tempted to drown the sensations he still hadn’t forgot. “Put it out of your head. It’s not going to happen.”
“Are you okay?” Duo’s sleep-roughened voice had him spinning so fast he almost fell over, latching onto the counter for support as his head spun. When he didn’t answer, the smaller man rubbed his arms, his gaze dropping from Trowa to the floor, “I heard you down here and thought maybe something was wrong. I guess you’re okay.”
Duo was already turning away when Trowa swallowed hard, forcing words from his tight throat and wishing the braided man was dressed in more than just a loose pair of shorts that rode low on slender hips, “If your guy had said something would it have made a difference?”
“My guy?” Duo didn’t turn around, but he did stop moving toward the door.
“The guy from that night, the one you felt a spark with,” Trowa explained softly. “If he had shown any interest, would you have wanted to try for something with him?”
“Back then I would have without hesitating.”
“And now?”
“Now there are other things to consider,” Duo replied quietly. “I’m a different person now and I could have been imagining what I felt. There’s also Wufei to think about.”
Taking a step closer, Trowa’s hands itched to touch the exposed skin, branding it the way Duo had branded him years ago. “Wufei can’t make you happy, Duo. You know he can’t.”
“Even if that’s true, the guy…the one you called my guy, doesn’t remember it.”
“Like hell he doesn’t. Trust me, Duo; no one would forget something like that.”
Duo jerked but didn’t turn around, “Then it didn’t mean anything. He didn’t feel anything. If he had, he would have said something.”
Tired of pretense, Trowa growled, “I thought you didn’t remember.”
The other man finally turned; eyes wide and blinking in surprise as he discovered how close Trowa was, “You thought I didn’t remember?”
“You never said anything about it so I thought you were so drunk you had forgotten. That’s the only reason I never asked you about it, but I wanted to.”
“What are you saying, Trowa?”
His skin felt like it was on fire as he moved the last of the distance to close the space between him and Duo, hissing when the smaller man didn’t retreat. “What I felt wasn’t a damn spark, Duo.”
Cobalt eyes were shuttered, concealing any emotion, “Then what did you feel? Nothing at all, right?”
“I felt like I was being consumed and that I wanted to consume you at the same time. If we’d had another five minutes I would have had you naked and under me, Duo. Tell me you didn’t feel the same.”
“That was years ago. Do you really expect me to remember what I was thinking at the time?” Duo demanded.
Trowa was ready to back down until he realized Duo’s breathing had sped up, eyes darkening with desire. Completely sure of himself for the first time since hearing Duo had recalled that night, he crowded the other man with his body, “Yes, that’s exactly what I expect.”
“So what if I do remember? What does it matter?”
Despite the arguments, Trowa could see the other man’s gaze was locked on his mouth. “Don’t you want to find out?” Eyes shot from his mouth to his eyes so Trowa allowed himself a small smirk, already knowing he would win this round. He chose to ignore the warning in his mind that told him he might win this round, but he was guaranteed to lose the battle. “Haven’t you wondered if what you remember was real or if you embellished it with time? It’s not hard to find out, Duo. Don’t you want to know if there was really a spark or if it was just both of us hoping to feel something?”
“How do you plan to test this theory?”
It was the opening Trowa had been angling for and he seized it by grabbing Duo’s face and pulling the other man into a kiss meant to be quick to prove a point. As it had years before, his good intentions were tossed when Duo responded instantly, taking the kiss deeper when the other man’s mouth opened under his. Feeding from Duo, he was sent back in time as he felt hands on his skin, moaning from the onslaught of sensations.
He had been right. There wasn’t a spark, there was an all-consuming fire that burned every inch of his body and he had never been so happy to feel such searing heat. Wrenching his mouth away from Duo’s, he began to explore the sensitive skin of Duo’s neck with his teeth and tongue. Hearing a breathy moan he lifted his head, his body tightening in response to the sight of glazed eyes and flushed face. Before he pulled Duo to the floor he dropped his hands from where they had been gripping pale skin and stepped back. “Was it anything like you remember?” he asked after taking some deep breaths.
“Not really,” Duo said after a few minutes, gaze on the floor instead of Trowa.
Heart in his throat, Trowa retrieved the bottle of vodka as his eyes locked on the marks his own teeth had made on the other man’s skin. “Tell me what you felt if it wasn’t a spark.”
“It was a damned forest fire.”
As soon as the words were out of Duo’s mouth, the bottle was on the counter. Trowa stepped forward, eyes narrowing when the smaller man backed out of reach. Understanding the unspoken rejection, he snagged the bottle and spun the lid off to take a deep gulp, bypassing the glass. “Why?” he asked eventually, knowing Duo would understand what he didn’t say.
“Because of Wufei.”
He had known what Duo’s answer would be, but that didn’t make it any less painful. Turning his back to the other man, he let his head fall with the weight of knowledge. “You’ll go back to him even though he doesn’t make you happy?” It wasn’t really a question.
“I promised I would give him a chance to prove himself. I can’t break a promise, Trowa. I’ll go get my stuff.”
Trowa caved in a matter of seconds. Duo wouldn’t break a promise, not to a friend or someone that could become more. Wufei had asked for another chance and Duo had agreed. It couldn’t be any more simple, or painful, than that. Trowa could either let Duo, his best friend, walk out, possibly forever, or he could offer help as a real friend would in spite of his own feelings. “You don’t have to leave. You’re welcome to stay here as long as you need to, Duo. I swear I won’t bring this up again.”
The whisper of sound wasn’t needed for Trowa to know Duo was right behind him, body heat washing over him. He was glad the other man didn’t touch him, fearing he might go off like a rocket. “Trowa, are you sure you feel comfortable with me staying? After this…”
Taking a deep breath to calm himself, the tall man turned and gave a weak smile that felt like it would shatter into pieces with the slightest prompting, “It’s not a problem. It never happened.”
Duo’s expression was stunned, words coming out in a shocked whisper, “It never happened?”
“This was nothing more than a dream, a product of my imagination, Duo. Nothing really happened,” he explained softly as he reached out to push a clump of hair behind the other man’s ear. “It didn’t happen.”