Disclaimers and warnings in first part.
This is the last section! I hope everyone has enjoyed the journey (assuming anyone actually reads it)!! Let me know what you think. I live for feedback. Pretty pwease?
Trowa had thought he had felt depression and despair before, but he had been wrong. Sitting in the sand with his knees pulled to his chest he acknowledged he had never felt this low, poised on the edge of a dark well that could be his end. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the will to pull himself away from the brink, lost in heartbreak.
A bottle at his feet, lying empty on its side, had been his constant companion since his arrival the day before. While it helped numb him slightly, the whiskey couldn’t make the pain go away. Every time he thought he was drunk enough to forget, he would recall something Duo had said or done or the way the braided man had laughed at a joke or smiled when he thought someone was being foolish.
Apparently, his mind was filled with memories of Duo and each and every one of them felt like knives driving into him, cutting him to shreds. He didn’t know when he had fallen for his best friend, but he wished he had never realized how he felt. He wished he had never discovered how blissful it would be to have Duo under him, their bodies moving together and their breath mixing.
Most of all, he wished he could forget the pain he had seen in Duo’s eyes when he had walked away.
Turning his head he saw a bonfire down the beach and felt his eyes begin to burn. Even from a distance he could see the way large flames leapt into the sky, reminding him of the fire that smoldered inside Duo. For a time he had been able to share in that fire, felt those flames as they licked at his soul. Now he felt cold and empty, wrapping his arms around his knees when he shivered, expecting to never feel the burning desire that only Duo seemed to be able to invoke within him.
If that wasn’t bad enough, he didn’t know how he was going to react when he saw Duo again, with Wufei at his side. The thought was enough to have him groaning in pain, reaching for the bottle before remembering it was empty. “Of all the times to run out,” he muttered as he gained his feet, staggering when the alcohol rushed to his head.
He stood for a moment to make sure he wouldn’t fall over then stumbled to the house he had rented, frowning when he saw the lights blazing inside. He was sure he had turned the lights off, but after glancing at the empty bottle in his hand admitted his memory wasn’t at its best. Opening the door, he leaned against the frame, “Christ, I can’t even get his smell out of my head. How the hell am I supposed to see him with someone else and not want to take him away?”
“Are you talking about anyone I know?”
Unable to comprehend what he was seeing, Trowa stared for several minutes then held up the bottle, “I’m drinking to forget and it’s making me hallucinate? That’s just fan-fucking-tastic,” he snarled as he dropped the bottle in the trash, closing his eyes in the attempt to make the painful vision disappear.
Opening his eyes he stared at the man that hadn’t gone away, refusing to touch the mirage, “Are you here to torture me with what I can’t have?”
“What is it that you think you can’t have?”
Slumping against the door when he managed to get it shut, he whispered, “You. I can’t have you.”
“Why not?”
“You made a promise,” the tall man growled as his figment moved closer. “You won’t break a promise, not even if it’s a stupid one. It’s one of the things I love about you.”
“One of the things? What else is there?”
Deciding his subconscious would make a great interrogator, Trowa lowered his eyes, unable to look at something so frighteningly real when he knew it wasn’t. “You’re beautiful and kind and funny as hell and when I’m with you I feel blessedly normal and alive.”
When a hand touched his shoulder he jerked so hard he slammed his head into the wall, but didn’t pay any attention as he stared at the man smiling softly at him, “I feel normal around you too, Trowa. Guess that mean we’re both screwed in the head, doesn’t it?”
The heat he could feel was too strong for it to be in his head. Slowly, terrified the man in front of him would disappear if he moved too fast, he slid his hand up Duo’s arm and around the other man’s neck, gasping as hair tickled his fingers. “Am I that drunk or are you really here?”
“I’m here. I would have been here sooner, but I had to move my things back to your house and then the directions to this place were out-of-date. There are roads listed that don’t exist and others that aren’t where they should be.”
Trowa told himself he should be moving away, that he needed to stop touching the other man, but his arm wouldn’t move. Even worse, his other arm had snaked around the other man, fisting the cloth of Duo’s shirt at the base of his spine. “Why are you here and why would you move your stuff back into my house?”
“I moved my stuff into your house because that’s where I plan to go back to, but I put my clothes in your room instead of the guest room.” Duo smiled as he gaped, “I’m here because I can’t force myself to be happy with someone else. You’ve always been the one that made me feel good. Why are you here, Trowa?”
Still not one hundred percent certain he wasn’t imagining things, he kept Duo in his arms, though the other man didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Leaning forward, he breathed in the scent he hadn’t been able to get out of his head, “I had to leave because my house was so damn empty without you in it. I’m sorry for what I did that night, for what I said. I was…”
“You were afraid I was using you as a substitute. Is that right?” Duo sighed as Trowa rubbed the back of his neck, head tilting slightly.
“Yeah; I wanted so badly to crawl back into bed with you. I was so damn close to begging you to stay with me,” he added as he pulled Duo close again, letting his nose follow the contours of the smaller man’s ear, swallowing hard. “I didn’t lie when I said there wasn’t a spark, Duo,” he smiled into long hair when the braided man stiffened. “It wasn’t a spark. It was a solar flare shooting into the cosmos. You burn me up inside.” The familiar searing was firing up in him, rekindled by the appearance of the cobalt eyed man.
Fingers trailed lightly down his chest, pulling a gasp from him as the ember began to smolder, bursting into flame when he saw the answering fire in Duo’s eyes, heavy-lidded and watching him. “Does that mean I can stay here while you take the rest of your vacation? This place seems to be big enough for both of us.”
“Are you sure? What about your classes and Wufei?”
“Classes are out for a few weeks until the start of the next term and Wufei…He helped me move my stuff back to your house, Trowa. He’s the one that helped me make some sense of your odd reaction after we…”
The reminder of what they had done had Trowa shivering all over, his hands clenching Duo’s shirt tightly. He felt the answering tremble from the man in his arms and dared to let his lips brush Duo’s before leaning back, knowing it wouldn’t take much for him to forget everything else. “How did he help make sense of what I did?”
“You’d do anything to make me happy, wouldn’t you?” Duo’s eyes went from green eyes to the other man’s mouth, gasping when Trowa’s tongue darted out to moisten his lips. “You would do anything, even if that meant forcing me to go away?”
“You wanted to be with Wufei, but you didn’t know how to tell me. That’s what I thought. I couldn’t stand the thought of being with you just one time. It wasn’t enough for me, but I thought that’s what you wanted. You were arguing with yourself about what to do, so I tried to help you.”
“You hurt me, Trowa,” Duo whispered softly.
“I know. I could see it in your eyes. You were so damn beautiful, lying there, on my bed where I had wanted you for so long.”
“Is that all there is for you? You want me in bed and nothing else?”
With a wince, Trowa shook his head and admitted what he should have admitted before, long before this. “I want you in bed and out of it. There’s more than just lust, Duo, a lot more.” Hands were travelling up his chest under his shirt, making it hard to breathe. “There’s lust, a lot of it. I can’t look at you without imagining how you would feel under me again. At the same time, I want to be able to hold you and sit with you on the couch and do things like we always have. I just want to be with you, Duo.”
“You told me the reasons you loved me, Trowa. Can you tell me again?”
“You want me to tell you why?”
“No, I want you to tell me without thinking you’re seeing things. I want you to tell me while you’re holding me like this.”
“Not like this,” frowned the tall man as he easily picked Duo up, making the smaller man squeal in surprise. Taking Duo across the room, he located a chair and sat, hissing when the hot body rubbed against him in a delicious way. More sober than he had been in weeks, he held Duo in his lap with one hand, using the other to wrap around the strong neck, kneading the tight muscles he found there with his thumb. “You want me to tell you I love you? I do, so much. I have for a long time.”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Duo’s lips ghosted over Trowa’s cheeks and lips before moving to his ears and throat. “I can understand why you didn’t bring up what happened on Howard’s ship, but why didn’t you say anything after that?”
“I didn’t realize what I felt for a long time and when I did, you and Wufei were trying to work things out. I wanted to tell you, but I knew you had told him you would try again. I didn’t want you to stay with me because of obligation or something like that,” Trowa explained, eyes crossing when Duo’s tongue found the hollow of his throat. “You’re driving me crazy, Duo. I thought you wanted an explanation of why I hadn’t said anything.”
“You explained, Trowa,” the braided man snickered against his skin. “You’ve been explaining for a few minutes. I’ve been exploring. You taste good, especially right here,” he noted while his teeth nipped at Trowa’s collarbone.
The whimper that came from Trowa would have been embarrassing under other circumstances, but he felt it was justified as Duo shifted against him, the other man’s pants rubbing erotically over his swim trunks. “Good grief, you’re killing me,” he hissed when strong hands began to wriggle under his shirt. Obligingly, he let the shirt be pulled over his head and dropped to the floor.
He was unconsciously pushing up into the other man’s body when he reminded himself Duo didn’t want him this way, not yet. “Duo, you’ve got to stop. Let me get control of myself.”
Duo didn’t stop, seemingly renewing his efforts to make Trowa lose the little control he had left. “Do you want me to stop?” he asked in a breathy tone as his hands began to roam Trowa’s chest.
“Hell no, I don’t want you to stop, but you need to. Much more of this and I’m going to take you into the bedroom,” he hissed, realizing it was almost the same threat he had used before.
It seemed that the same thought occurred to Duo, who lifted his head from Trowa’s neck and smiled slowly, “Is there something you want to do to me, Trowa?”
A half-hysterical laugh worked from his throat, “I want to do a lot to you, but you don’t want that.” The idea of being intimate with Duo no longer made him feel like he was going to drown in fear, but that didn’t mean he was willing to push the other man. “I can tell you what I want, if you want me to.”
“I want you to show me what you want. Tell me in the bedroom, Trowa. I’d go myself, but I haven’t been here long enough to find it yet.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Trowa insisted as his body surged into Duo’s, his hand on the other man’s hip pushing them together. “I want you more than I did before. Seeing you on a bed half-naked won’t be enough this time. I want to see you completely naked and if I do that, I’m not going to be satisfied with less than everything.” He hoped Duo understood what he was trying to say, rapidly losing the ability to think or speak with any coherency.
“What makes you think I’ll be satisfied with anything less than everything?” Stunned, Trowa forced Duo to look at him, meeting needy cobalt eyes. “I want everything, Trowa.”
Unable to resist, the tall man leaned forward to run his tongue across Duo’s bottom lip, moaning at the taste of the other man. “You don’t know what you’re asking for, Duo.”
“I know exactly what I’m asking for. I love you and want you inside me, Trowa. I want you in every way possible.”
Trowa froze with his lips on Duo’s, “Say that again?”
“I want you inside me.”
“That’s a good thing to know, but that’s not what I wanted you to say again.”
“I love you?”
“That would be it. Are you sure?”
“About loving you or about going into the bedroom?” Duo asked teasingly as his hips rolled again.
“You wouldn’t tell me you loved me without knowing for certain,” Trowa assured, aware Duo wouldn’t lie to him about such a thing. “Are you sure about going into the bedroom? I won’t be able to stop, Duo. I’m not going to want to stop, but I’ll try my best to be as careful as possible.”
“I know you’ll be careful. I want this, Trowa. I want you.”
“We might set a few fires if we do this,” Trowa argued one last time, giving the small man a chance to reconsider one last time.
Lifting an eyebrow, Duo jerked his chin in the direction of the door Trowa had come in from, “There a whole ocean out there to douse any flames.”
Standing, Trowa kissed Duo briefly, denying himself the temptation of taking the kiss deeper, and then moving to the bedroom quickly. With his lips against the other man’s, he whispered, “Let them burn.”
End
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